|The days they go on
||[14th September 2008|0:30 am]
Lately my life has become monotonous I work everyday trying to squeeze in as much of myself as possible but now I shall begin school on my off days. I will be taking eighteen units on top of thirty five hours plus of work, I know that my spending habits fuel my need for a job. I watch some of my friends with such envy when their parents pay for things, help them concentrate on their studies, but I would never want the dependence they have on their parents.
But I feel like my inability to quit my job, to stand up to my little boss and tell her I need three days off a week not two will make no difference. If I take three days off a week I know I will only waste that day frivolously, either hanging out with various friends or sleeping away most of the day. I just feel a cloud of failure hovering over me, since repeating same tasks everyday is not something I can accomplish. While that may be a giant aspect of what real life will be, there is no way I can force myself to let myself resign to this.
Let us tackle another issue of my life. I have a predicament I should have never let myself enter. Here I am hovering in some terrible limbo where I am completely unsure of status in another’s life. He acts so cuddly and soft with me sometimes, I constantly get asked whether we are going out still. There are activities I have committed and think about committing with him that I should not have especially since those activities are extremely taboo in my mind. Only when I am engaged in a relationship with some do these things even enter my mind let upon I act on them, of course since we have previously been in such a relationship everything is twisted in my mind. I find it extremely hard to say no to him in normal circumstances about mundane things, so when other things are presented to me there is very little to no chance I will deny him. Which makes me feel pretty bad about my self later because I know the situation should not have happened. I mean if we were to get back together it would be okay but since that doesn’t look to be happening I am more than a little lost.
Regardless we are pretty well matched I am a submissive he is a dominant. Not only that but I am slightly masochistic and he whether he admits it or even realizes it he is partly sadistic. He loves to mess with people, mainly me and since I view him as one of my dominants I love any attention he gives me. Recently when pondering on him, on his birthday of all days I came to a realization, there are times when I hate him more than I like him. Of course I analyzed this like I analyze everything else that wanders through my head, the relationship we have right now does not require me to like him. Sometimes I love him, I want nothing other than to be next to him every moment I can to be in his presence to be controlled by him. And yet sometimes I hate him, but in a way that only makes it more gratifying when he unconsciously makes claims on me or asserts his dominance over me.
I delve deeper into video games and passing dreams everyday while my life which is running quite fine by itself falls farther and farther away from me. I wish to spend more time calmly asleep floating in my whimsical dreams than wake and functioning, which I suppose to very normal but not very healthy. I need to take charge over more of my life before the control I have manage to gain over the last slips through my fingers like sand through an hourglass.
Also I need to better motivate to do some kind of physical activity since upon looking in the mirror I seem to becoming more and more displeased. The biggest issue I seem to have is continuing, I start, immediately get discouraged, then work myself into a depressive state about how I am completely and utter unattractive and will never ever work myself out of my disgusting state.
Another thing that is out of control is my social life, instead of completely anything useful or productive I hangout. I leave work every night or day then immediately start hanging out, the thought process of looking at my online class and completely it’s homework which will eventually fuck me up the ass does not even enter my mind. I just answer my phone, text, or call out first which is a serious problem.
That’s pretty much all I have to say right now, my attention keeps wavering to the television next to me which is enticingly playing the horrible wonderful mindless movie of Legally Blonde. So I leave my haphazard thoughts with you for opinions and suggestions if anyone actually reads my rambles.